Funeral QuestionsMy Husband and I Can't Agree Whose Family Should Be Our Kids' Guardian if We Both Died
Asked by quilted_ferry8 ·
We've been "getting around to" a will since our second was born, and finally started the actual paperwork this month. Every part of it has been easy except one line: who'd raise the kids (7 and 9) if something happened to both of us.
I want my sister. She's local, has kids the same age as ours, and our kids adore her. My husband wants his brother, who lives four hours away, has no kids of his own, but is, in my husband's words, "more stable" and "would actually follow through on how we're raising them." Neither of us has said any of this to either sibling yet, which somehow makes the disagreement worse, like we're arguing about two people who have no idea they're even in the conversation.
We're not fighting exactly, we just keep going in circles every time we sit down to finish the will. Is there an actual way through this, or do we just have to pick a side and live with someone being a bit hurt about it eventually?
2 Replies
This is one of the most common places a will stalls, and for good reason. You're both trying to get the same thing right (your kids being genuinely okay) from two different angles, which is why it doesn't resolve like a normal disagreement. A few things that tend to actually move this along, from years of sitting across the desk from couples exactly where you are:
First, separate "who do the kids already love and feel safe with" from "who would run the household well". You're each weighting these differently, which is most of the disagreement. Both matter, but they're not the same question, and naming that out loud often defuses some of the tension because you're no longer arguing past each other.
Second, you don't have to pick only one household. Some parents name a first-choice guardian and, separately, arrange for the other side of the family to stay closely involved. Regular contact isn't something only a guardian can provide. It's also worth actually asking both your sister and his brother, honestly, whether they'd want this and feel able to take it on, before either of you assumes the other is unwilling or unsuitable. People sometimes surprise you in both directions.
Third, and this is the part couples usually skip, you can name your first choice and a backup, so this doesn't have to feel like a permanent verdict on the sibling not chosen. If your daughter is right about how close the kids already are to your sister, and your husband is right that his brother currently has more stability to offer, sequencing them (first choice, backup) rather than picking one exclusively can genuinely reflect both of your instincts rather than overriding one of them. This piece on choosing a guardian goes through the practical side: the conversation to have before naming anyone, and keeping the guardian role separate from who manages any money you leave the kids, which is worth reading before your next sit-down. It won't make the decision for you, but it usually makes the conversation less circular.
Different situation on my end. My husband died suddenly, no warning, and this exact conversation had never happened between us. I ended up having to make this call alone, at the worst possible time, with both sides of the family having opinions about who "should" have my kids that I hadn't prepared for at all. Whatever you land on, doing it now, together, while you can actually talk it through calmly, is worth more than either specific answer. I'd have given a lot to have had exactly this argument with him while we still could.