Funeral QuestionsShould my kids (5 and 8) come to their great-grandma's funeral — and can they be part of it?
Asked by lorikeet_lane ·
My grandmother (my kids' great-grandma) died on Sunday at 94. The funeral is next Friday. My kids are 5 and 8 and they adored her; she taught the 8-year-old to play cards and the 5-year-old still has the terrible knitted jumper she made him.
I always assumed kids just... came to funerals? But my mother-in-law thinks they're too young and "shouldn't see everyone upset," and now I'm second-guessing. I do funeral flowers for work, so I've seen plenty of children at services (some doing beautifully, some melting down), but seeing them isn't the same as knowing how to do it well with mine.
Two questions really: is there an age below which it does more harm than good? And if they come, is giving them a small part in the service a good idea or too much pressure?
3 Replies
There's no age below which funerals harm children. What shapes their experience is preparation, honesty, and an exit route, not the funeral itself. The research and clinical consensus on childhood bereavement is consistent: children included in family mourning generally fare better than children shielded from it, because exclusion leaves them alone with their imagination, and a child's imagination is usually worse than any real funeral.
What "doing it well" looks like at 5 and 8:
- Prepare them concretely. Walk through the day in plain words: where they'll sit, that there's a special box called a coffin with great-grandma's body in it, that her body stopped working so it can't feel anything, that people will cry and that crying is allowed. Use the words died and dead. "Gone to sleep" and "we lost her" genuinely confuse children this age. The outline in what happens at a funeral service is a good script to prepare yourself first.
- Give each an out. A trusted adult who isn't in the front row (a family friend is perfect) whose only job is taking a child for a walk the moment they need it. Knowing the exit exists is usually what makes it unnecessary.
- Answer what they ask, and only that. Children process in small bites and often ask the big question in the car three days later. That's normal, not a sign the funeral went wrong.
On your mother-in-law's worry: children seeing adults cry at a funeral learn that big feelings are survivable and shared. That's the lesson, not the harm.
Celebrant perspective on your second question: small parts for kids are one of the best things in modern services, if they're genuinely optional and sized right.
What works at those ages, from services I've led:
- Placing a flower or drawing on the coffin during a set moment (the 5-year-old sweet spot, no words required, and as the family florist you could have them help choose the flowers)
- The 8-year-old reading two rehearsed sentences ("Great-grandma taught me 500. She always won."), either live or recorded beforehand as a fallback
- Handing out the order of service at the door with a grown-up (gives wriggly kids a job and a reason to be near the exit)
Two rules I hold: rehearse once at home so it isn't scary and novel, and build the service so any child's part can silently not-happen with zero awkwardness if they refuse on the day. Kids get full veto rights, right up to the moment. When it works, and it usually does, it's the moment half the room remembers.
One addition from years of family bedsides: decide about the viewing separately from the funeral. They're different events. An open viewing can be a gentle, good thing for children with preparation ("her body will look like she's still, and a bit different"), but it's also completely fine to say yes to the funeral and no to the viewing, or to let the 8-year-old choose and decide for the 5-year-old yourself.
And afterwards, watch for the delayed questions at bath time and bedtime for a few weeks. That's when it surfaces. You don't need perfect answers. "I miss her too" covers more than you'd think.
Recommended Sympathy Flower Delivery Services
If you'd like to send flowers, these services deliver sympathy arrangements across Australia.
⭐ Best OverallPetals NetworkPremium sympathy arrangements with same-day delivery through trusted local florists.
💰 Best ValueEasyFlowersAffordable sympathy flowers delivered Australia-wide.
🚚 Best Same-Day DeliveryFlowers For EveryoneTrusted florist with extensive same-day delivery across major Australian cities.We recommend services based on coverage, reliability and customer experience. Some links may earn us a commission at no additional cost to you.
Related Discussions
Six years on and my husband's ashes are still in the wardrobe — how did you decide?
When my husband died six years ago I brought his ashes home "until I decided." They're still on the top shelf of the wardrobe, behind the wi
Found out my uncle's ashes were never collected — 15 years on, do I chase it?
My mum died in March and I've spent the last few months slowly going through her filing cabinet, which is its own special kind of grief admi
My manager scheduled a huge client presentation my first day back after Mum's funeral — do I say something?
Mum died six weeks ago. I took my two days plus a week of annual leave, which already felt like I was pushing it given how things are at wor
My daughter can't speak at her own daughter's funeral, so I'm writing the eulogy at 73 — how do I even start?
My granddaughter was six. She died last week after a short illness, and my daughter, her mum, has said plainly she cannot stand up in that c