Funeral QuestionsMy sister had Mum's ashes made into rings for all three of us — I feel sick wearing mine. Is something wrong with me?
Asked by flattened_kite2 ·
Mum died eight months ago. A few weeks after the funeral my older sister found a jeweller and organised matching rings for the three of us: sterling silver, a tiny bit of Mum's ashes sealed into a little glass dome on each one. She paid for all three as a gift and posted mine with a really lovely card about "always having a piece of Mum with us." I know it came from a good place.
I've worn it exactly twice. Both times I felt a bit sick within an hour, like I could feel it on my finger the whole day in a way that wasn't comforting, just heavy and wrong somehow. I don't even know how to finish that sentence properly. My two sisters wear theirs constantly and talk about how much peace it gives them, holding the ring up to the light and everything. I just feel like I'm carrying around a reminder I can't stop noticing.
I haven't told anyone I feel like this. It's sat in its box for six months now. I'm scared that if I say it out loud it'll sound like I'm rejecting Mum, or rejecting my sister's gift, or that I loved her less than they did. Is there something wrong with me for not being able to wear it? And is there a way to tell my sister I don't want to wear it without it landing like that?
3 Replies
Nothing is wrong with you, and this comes up in my studio more often than people expect, just usually quietly, the way you're raising it here rather than out loud to family.
A few things worth separating out. First, wearing the piece was never part of what made it "count." The ash is just as permanently and respectfully sealed in that ring sitting in its box as it would be on your hand. There's no ritual requirement, religious or otherwise, that it has to be worn to mean something. Plenty of people I make pieces for keep them in a drawer, a jewellery box, or even just their original packaging for years, sometimes taking them out only on a birthday or anniversary. That's a completely normal way to have one.
Second, the physical reaction you're describing (heavy, unsettling, not comforting) is a real and reasonably common response to wearing actual remains against your skin all day, even sealed behind glass. It doesn't mean you loved your mum less than your sisters do; it means your body and mind process this specific object differently than theirs do, which has more to do with individual temperament than grief. Some people find ashes jewellery grounding, some find fingerprint or photo pieces easier to relate to instead, and some just don't want to wear anything with ashes in it at all. All three are fine.
If you do want to keep some version of the piece close without the discomfort, a few options: keep the ring exactly as it is, but somewhere visible rather than worn: a small dish by your bed, for instance. Some jewellers can also reset the same glass dome into a different form, like a small pendant kept in a box rather than a ring worn on the hand, if the "on my body all day" part is specifically what's hard. There's no obligation to decide anything quickly. There's a fuller rundown of exactly this (including how to raise it with whoever gave you the piece) in is it okay to stop wearing memorial jewellery, or pass it on.
Adding the grief side to what tangled_yarn9 said about the object itself: what you're describing (a strong, almost bodily aversion to wearing something with your mum's remains in it) is a real and known variation, not a character flaw or a lesser kind of love. Grief doesn't attach the same way to the same objects for everyone in a family, even siblings grieving the same person. Your sisters finding comfort in theirs and you finding the opposite in yours are both completely legitimate responses to the same loss.
On telling your sister: it will likely land far more gently than you're expecting if you lead with what's true rather than what you think it implies. Something like "I've realised I find it really hard to wear, it makes me feel unsettled rather than close to Mum. I still love that you thought of it, I just need to keep mine somewhere else" separates the gift and the gesture from the specific discomfort. Most people, once they understand it's a physical/sensory reaction and not a judgement on the gift or on Mum, take that better than the version you've built up in your head. If it still feels too hard to raise directly, it's also completely fine to just quietly stop wearing it and let time do some of the explaining. You don't owe anyone real-time updates on how you're managing your own grief.
I'll offer the other data point, since it's useful to hear this doesn't resolve the same way for everyone: I was given a locket with my husband's photo in it, not ashes, and I still don't wear it six years on. It sits in the drawer of my bedside table and that's exactly where I want it. I used to feel guilty about that too, like everyone else seemed to want theirs on constantly and I clearly wasn't grieving "properly." What I've landed on is that the object was never actually the point. It's one more way to stay connected among many, and it only works if it feels like comfort rather than obligation. Yours currently feels like obligation. That's information, not a failing.
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